I knew it was coming, but how I felt at the moment it actually happened let me know that I was completely emotionally unprepared for it. I really don't see how a parent could ever be ready to answer something like this.
Violet asked me last night, "Mom, why do I have to keep getting my eyes checked?"
That is what we call it when we talk to her about her EUAs. We refer to them as simply 'getting her eyes checked'.
Violet knows that she had cancer. She understands that she was diagnosed with Retinoblastoma when she was a baby and that she went through chemotherapy to rid her eye of cancer. She knows all too much for such a sweet little innocent girl.
Violet has asked about her EUAs many times before, but this time was different. She went on to ask me what the reason was behind having these done all the time. If she was ok and didn't have cancer anymore, than why did she have to keep going through these?
I gave her the simplest answer I could and it wasn't a great one. I really tiptoed around letting the real reason out without being dishonest to her. I just explained to her that it needs to be done to make sure that her eyes are healthy.
Soon, that explanation will not be enough.
How do you tell your child that every cell in her body can potentially multiply out of control into a malignant tumor? How do you explain that everyone else's bodies produce a tumor suppressing protein but because of a gene mutation, hers does not? How do I look into her precious face and ever tell her this? It rips my heart into pieces.
When we got up in the morning, Violet was happy and ready for her trip to the hospital. I still had the conversation from the night before on my mind, but I pushed it as far down as I could to get through the day. Please Lord, give me the right words when they are needed.
The drive up and check-in went smoothly. Violet just missed seeing her friend Juni, but Josh and I were able to catch up with her mommy and daddy and also see a friend from Camp Agape. It is always great to see friends. Especially ones that can empathize with what you are going through.
It was my turn to take Violet back after we said a prayer together as a family. Violet did so great and did not cry with the mask! She got the look of fear for a second when it got to her face, but the nurses and I quickly started to sing to her and she relaxed and went right to sleep. Such a brave girl. I am so proud of her!
Before I left the room, I was able to get a couple of photos of the images they had up on their screens. The first image was of the tumor in Violet's left eye the first day before chemo. It was huge and it almost completely filled her entire eye. I was shocked to see this, as I had only been given verbal descriptions up to this point and a few drawings. I knew it was large, but I didn't realize just how large it was. The second photo was of Violet's left eye at her last EUA. The difference is absolutely amazing. It is truly a miracle.
The wait ran a bit longer this time so Josh and I began to get nervous. And, when Dr. Weiss came out to talk to us, we didn't see the thumbs up that we usually get. There was a mix up and he didn't consult with Juni's parents before us as he should have, so he went directly into their room without giving us a notion as to what went on. I instantly felt sick from fear. He always gives us a thumbs up before coming into our room. He didn't this time and it scared me.
After a few minutes (which seemed like forever) Dr. Weiss came into our room and said that everything looked great. :) Violet was still in remission and there was no change! We were so relieved! We thanked God, we cried and we hugged.
When we got called back to be with Violet as she was waking up, she wasn't doing well. She was having a really hard wake up from anesthesia and she was already swelling up all around her eyes and they were very red. Whoever was assisting Violet's doctor in this procedure did not have a delicate hand and I was not happy. It is so hard to see Violet go through all of this.
We consoled her and held her for a long while. When she was ready to drink her juice it was a good sign and we were able to go shortly after. We had a long drive home and we were all very tired afterwards.
Thank you all so much for your prayers. We praise God through it all. Our sweet girl is in remission and we couldn't be more grateful for that. <3
Violet asked me last night, "Mom, why do I have to keep getting my eyes checked?"
That is what we call it when we talk to her about her EUAs. We refer to them as simply 'getting her eyes checked'.
Violet knows that she had cancer. She understands that she was diagnosed with Retinoblastoma when she was a baby and that she went through chemotherapy to rid her eye of cancer. She knows all too much for such a sweet little innocent girl.
Violet has asked about her EUAs many times before, but this time was different. She went on to ask me what the reason was behind having these done all the time. If she was ok and didn't have cancer anymore, than why did she have to keep going through these?
I gave her the simplest answer I could and it wasn't a great one. I really tiptoed around letting the real reason out without being dishonest to her. I just explained to her that it needs to be done to make sure that her eyes are healthy.
Soon, that explanation will not be enough.
How do you tell your child that every cell in her body can potentially multiply out of control into a malignant tumor? How do you explain that everyone else's bodies produce a tumor suppressing protein but because of a gene mutation, hers does not? How do I look into her precious face and ever tell her this? It rips my heart into pieces.
When we got up in the morning, Violet was happy and ready for her trip to the hospital. I still had the conversation from the night before on my mind, but I pushed it as far down as I could to get through the day. Please Lord, give me the right words when they are needed.
The drive up and check-in went smoothly. Violet just missed seeing her friend Juni, but Josh and I were able to catch up with her mommy and daddy and also see a friend from Camp Agape. It is always great to see friends. Especially ones that can empathize with what you are going through.
Before I left the room, I was able to get a couple of photos of the images they had up on their screens. The first image was of the tumor in Violet's left eye the first day before chemo. It was huge and it almost completely filled her entire eye. I was shocked to see this, as I had only been given verbal descriptions up to this point and a few drawings. I knew it was large, but I didn't realize just how large it was. The second photo was of Violet's left eye at her last EUA. The difference is absolutely amazing. It is truly a miracle.
The wait ran a bit longer this time so Josh and I began to get nervous. And, when Dr. Weiss came out to talk to us, we didn't see the thumbs up that we usually get. There was a mix up and he didn't consult with Juni's parents before us as he should have, so he went directly into their room without giving us a notion as to what went on. I instantly felt sick from fear. He always gives us a thumbs up before coming into our room. He didn't this time and it scared me.
After a few minutes (which seemed like forever) Dr. Weiss came into our room and said that everything looked great. :) Violet was still in remission and there was no change! We were so relieved! We thanked God, we cried and we hugged.
When we got called back to be with Violet as she was waking up, she wasn't doing well. She was having a really hard wake up from anesthesia and she was already swelling up all around her eyes and they were very red. Whoever was assisting Violet's doctor in this procedure did not have a delicate hand and I was not happy. It is so hard to see Violet go through all of this.
We consoled her and held her for a long while. When she was ready to drink her juice it was a good sign and we were able to go shortly after. We had a long drive home and we were all very tired afterwards.
Thank you all so much for your prayers. We praise God through it all. Our sweet girl is in remission and we couldn't be more grateful for that. <3
I am so happy our baby girl is alright and I hope you took her to munches she is so very brave and I want her to know grandma Diana is very very proud of her. I love you so much Violet and I will always have you in my heart and prayers.
ReplyDeleteAlways love to hear about Violet - can't believe how big she is getting! You do a great job of parenting her through this. Hugs!! Kathy L
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